[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
* Love and marriage *
* Go together like *
* A horse and carriage *
* This I tell ya, brother *
* You can't have one *
* Without the other *
* Love and marriage *
* It's an institute *
* You can't disparage *
* Ask the local gentry *
* And they will say It's elementary *
* Try, try, try To separate them *
* It's an illusion *
* Try, try, try And you will only come *
* To this conclusion *
* Love and marriage **
* Da da da dum, da da *
* Da da da *
* Mm... *
Peg, you were great last night.
You did what every man dreams his wife will do.
You were asleep before I got home
and you were out of bed before I woke up.
How can I ever thank you?
You could stop eating beans before bed.
Hey, what's all this?
I get breakfast too?
Oh, Peg!
Bring it on.
Ooh, spices too?
Do the kids know about this?
No.
Good. Bring it on.
Uh, Al, honey... Yes, sweetheart?
Before I serve you, I have some great news.
Oprah Winfrey finally exploded?
[LAUGHS]
Oh, no, Al, but that's so funny.
You're just the greatest.
Who's coming to stay with us, Peg?
Uh... Just my mother.
No!
And my uncles Irwin and Otto.
No, no!
And the Wanker triplets.
No, no, no!
Oh, but Al, they're my aunts.
They're no trouble.
Peg, God only knows how old they are
and they sleep in the same bed.
It's amazing,
the triplets sleep in one bed and your mother sleeps in three.
Well, honey, they'll only stay
for an undetermined period of time.
Peg, now, this is the first
three-day weekend I've had in a year.
It's not like I'm going to have a good time.
You and the kids are going to be there.
Not the Wanker wagon from Milwaukee.
Peg, please, not that.
Hondo is going to be on this weekend.
Now, that's some of the duke's best work.
It's never on TV. I got a blank tape already.
I want to watch Hondo, Peg.
I want a clean tape of Hondo.
No one is going to interrupt you watching Hondo.
Remember when they were here last year?
Shane was on.
Just before it came on,
Uncle Otto bet Uncle Irwin
he couldn't stick his head through the TV.
I didn't see Shane that year, Peg.
Well, I know, Al,
but you saw the end from the emergency room.
"Come back, Shane, Shane. Goodbye, Shane."
That's all I saw, Peg.
I didn't even see the credits
because your mother lumbered in front of the set.
By the time her entire body chugged by,
it was morning.
You know, you should be nice to them, Al.
After all,
they're the only people in the world
who think what you do is skilled labor.
Oh, what do you say, Al? Can my family come for a visit?
Because they're on their way.
Since you went to all this trouble, why not?
All right, where's breakfast?
Gee, I don't know. I didn't cook anything.
[CAR ARRIVES, METAL CLANGING]
Well, that's the sound of the axle hitting the road.
It means one of two things.
Either everybody in China just jumped off a chair,
or your family's here.
They brought the horse trailer. Your mom in there, Peg?
It's the only way that she can travel, Al.
Otto!
Peggy!
Your home still looks like a filth hole.
Irwin!
Peg.
You've got a beautiful home.
PEGGY: Aw!
And Milly, Elena, Eadie!
AUNTS: Hi, Peggy. We're triplets, you know.
You look fabulous.
Oh!
Where's Mom?
Oh, we're going to have to leave her in the sun
until she heats up and gets slippery.
That way, we won't have to damage the truck
getting her out.
Somebody left the WD-40 at home.
Somebody didn't put it on the list.
How am I doing?
Oh, I'm pretty good. Thank you for asking.
Now, listen,
before the festival of the inbreds starts,
I want everybody to know that Hondo will be coming on.
During Hondo,
there will be no belly butting,
no spitting for distance,
and no one running around
with underwear on their heads.
We could've gone to a hotel.
Hey, look who's here! Hey!
Uncle Irwin!
Otto.
Uncle Otto.
Oh!
You look great.
And you, my darling... I could sell you.
Let me tell you what the going rate is.
As you can see, Bud hasn't changed a bit.
Same wit, same zit, same underwear.
Well, now that we're all together,
how about a hootenanny?
No. God, no, no!
Wait, wait, wait! No hootenanny.
See, I forgot to put that on the list.
* You are my sunshine * Too late, Al.
* My only sunshine *
* You make me happy *
* When skies are gray * * When skies are gray *
* You'll never know, dear How much I love you *
Just the boys!
* Please don't take My sunshine away *
Just the girls!
* You'll never know, dear How much I love you *
* Please don't take-- *
Just Al!
* My sunshine away **
Yay!
Just like the old days.
Before music.
Uncle Irwin,
are you going to put your head through the TV again?
If you're good.
Can I relax now?
* She's a good-hearted woman *
* In love with A two-timin' man *
* She loves him In spite of his ways *
* She don't understand *
* Through teardrops And laughter *
* They'll dance through This world hand in hand *
* She's a good-hearted woman-- *
Stop. Stop.
Please stop.
I'm not a Wanker, and you're killing me.
Peggy, we're famished.
Al, how about taking us out to eat?
Ah, what the hell.
Kids, you didn't really want to go to college, did you?
We'd rather eat.
Well, if we're going to go, we'd better get going,
because once we unload your mom,
it's harder than hell to squeeze her back in.
She kicks like a mule.
Uncle Irwin, are you going to put your head
in the salad bar again?
If you're good.
You know, you're not good enough for our family.
Yeah, right. I've never been up on a morals charge.
999...
1000!
He did it!
[CHEERING]
Oh, nice example for the children, Irwin.
Why don't you show them how to de-bone a cow
while you're at it?
You've always been jealous of me.
Oh, yes, I've always secretly wanted to be a...
Beast of burden.
Oh, now, now. Let's not spoil our good time.
Now, make up, you two.
Blowfish!
Squid!
Well, that's better.
Hey, Mom, are we going to go down to the pony rides
to see the look on the horse's face
when Uncle Irwin chooses his mount?
No, not today, honey.
Ever since Daddy paid for lunch with his watch,
he's been sort of a crab apple.
I think he's mad at us.
Oh, well, don't take it personally.
Daddy always takes a noose with him
into the bathroom.
Uh-oh. Daddy's in the bathroom?
Mom's up there taking a bath.
Well, maybe he won't notice.
AL: Aah!
Peg, I'm blind!
Very funny, Al.
No, really, Peg.
I saw your mother naked, and...
And everything went black.
I think my eyes were trying to protect my heart.
Now I'm not going to see Hondo, Peg.
Stop being a baby.
It's only hysterical blindness.
It happened to her doctor.
It wears off eventually.
Wait a second.
I think it's starting to come back to me.
I see shapes. I see... Straw.
Oh, Kelly.
Al, we have to talk.
Well, I'm broke and I'm blind, Peg.
What else is there to talk about?
Well, you haven't been very nice to my family.
Well, neither is nature. Go bother it.
Now, Al, you know I don't ask much of you
because I know how severely limited you are,
but please do me a favor and just say something to them.
Yeah. Go home.
Does that take care of it, Peg?
That's a nice start.
Just show them that you care.
Go home and drive safely.
Ask them how they're doing. For me, sweetums.
That's all I have to do, Peg?
That's it.
Otto, Irwin, how you doing?
We're desolate.
We'll need the triplets.
I'll get them.
I told them to sleep in Kelly's room.
Her bed is used to having a lot of people on it.
Well, I guess that means
Irwin and Otto get to sleep on your bed,
with the rotting rubber sheets.
Al, I want to let you in on a little family secret.
You're the fourth triplet?
Well, I know everybody thinks that the family income
is derived primarily from the still.
And the home yogurt business.
Quiet, Mr. Pork-at-the-bottom.
It'll catch on.
Oh, please.
Anyhow, the triplets add greatly to our income.
Otto, excuse me.
Kelly, go upstairs.
They sing!
They sing at carnivals, beer fests.
Last month, they worked regular
and cleared a neat 88.50.
Don't tell the IRS.
Now something's happened that's threatened the act.
They faced the audience?
Elena, tell him what you want to do.
I want to marry.
Somebody outside the family, right?
Well, in Wanker county,
nobody's really outside the family.
Um...
Well, how about that boy John who works at the feed store?
Yeah.
I guess he's family.
Will someone listen to me, please?
Peg, if Elena gets married,
the triplets will be torn asunder.
And worse, if she goes on a honeymoon,
we'll lose 17 gigs.
That's $34 and change.
Interest will wane.
Oh, my God, the public will forget.
It happens!
Look at Glen Campbell.
Oh, Al, don't let that happen.
Oh, gee, it's a little late, Peg.
Glen's career is what it is.
Al, you're a professional man, a shoe salesman.
[LAUGHS]
If anybody can solve this, you can.
Solve what?
Should she marry or not?
Peg, I'm not touching this,
and I mean that in every sense of the word.
Every time I get involved
in one of your family's problems,
I always end up missing a good movie
and get called an idiot.
Well, not this time, Al. They need you.
Look at their faces.
All right, I'll help, but I'm not looking at them.
Elena, did you actually find
someone willing to marry you?
AUNTS: Yes!
Then you have my blessing
and he has my pity.
Do it.
God, you're an idiot.
You had to say something, didn't you, Al?
You couldn't just say, "I don't know,"
like you do when I ask you
when you're going to be done in the bathroom.
Why did we come to you?
They could be up there crying their six eyes out.
Oh, great. On my bed.
Thank you so much, Daddy.
That's it. I'm out of here.
Al, you can't leave during a family crisis.
It's not a family. It's a lab experiment.
Where are you going?
[DOOR CLOSES]
I love these perfect times together.
The wine is chilled, the candles are lit,
ad we are a kiss away
from magnificent earth-shattering sex.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Ignore it.
Whoever it is will go away.
[RING]
AL: Okay, you guys, open up.
I know you're in there.
This is a test of wills.
I am not answering the door to that man.
[RING, RING, RING, RING, RING]
Oh, man, what a day.
Get me a beer, will you, Marce?
Al, we're trying to have a little romantic thing here.
Well, go ahead, don't worry about me.
Marcy, you got any tuna fish in there?
Al, I was about to take her upstairs
and you interrupted.
Then you owe me one.
You got any pretzels?
[SIGH]
You might have been wondering why my house is tilting.
Peg's relatives are in town, six of them.
Well, 12, counting her mother.
We're out of pretzels, Al. How about some lye?
No, thanks.
Nah, I was just getting ready for a great weekend.
Did you ever just want to be alone?
You know where I'm coming from.
See, all I want to do
is sit down, watch Hondo in peace.
Did you ever try to watch something
and have a bunch of in-laws drive you crazy?
No, Al. That's where I'm lucky.
Marcy's family is just a blessing.
Of course,
her mother does leave little wadded-up bits of Kleenex around
wherever she goes...
Because of that one runny eye she has,
but that's not her fault.
What is her fault is she's too cheap to go
to a doctor and get it fixed.
No, she comes over here
and complains incessantly about it...
While we try to eat.
As if looking at it doesn't tell the whole story.
That's enough, dear.
You know, she'll only eat eggs.
We could have a turkey dinner set out,
and you know what she does?
She looks at it with her runny eye
and says, "What? No eggs?"
Everybody hates her.
Honey...
God, she makes my skin crawl.
Al, do you know the difference
between Steve's mother and a bowling ball?
What?
A bowling ball doesn't have a beard.
It's one hair.
One hair does not make a beard.
It does if it's six inches long
and V-shaped.
Well, at least her eye doesn't run like a toilet.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, relax, guys. I'll get that.
Well, let's just talk about your Uncle Mildred.
Can't a man be a florist and still have some respect?
Al, you got to do something. The triplets ran away.
Why would all three of them run away?
Well, actually, only Elena ran away,
but the other two went to keep her company.
Oh, you've just got to find her.
Peg, I'm trying to have a quiet evening alone
with friends.
Well, at least I have a father.
Oh, yeah,
one who sold secrets to the enemy
during the war.
That was never proven.
Al, please.
Oh, but Hondo's coming on.
Well, we'll tape it. Just hurry.
It's dark out there,
and the triplets are out there alone.
Oh, all right.
I got to go, guys.
Go on, get back to your romance.
You know why you have such chicken legs, Marcy?
It's because your mother eats all those eggs.
I'm desolate.
Aw, don't worry. Al will find them.
I told him to drive around and think like triplets.
Now, look.
Let's just do something to take our minds off of this.
Irwin, why don't you tell us
about your record for rooster-throwing?
Indoors or outdoors?
You know, Kelly has some indoor/outdoor records
of her own.
Why, she's so good, she's about to turn pro.
Bud's so cute,
and to think, he'll never be bald.
He'll always have the hair
on the palm of his hand.
Cats and dogs. Cats and dogs.
What are you talking about?
Aw, nothing. I was just hungry.
Peggy, I'm sorry this didn't turn out
to be such a good weekend for you.
Oh, it's not so bad.
I mean, after all, Al's out of the house,
Mom finally stopped sweating from traveling,
and Dad is--
Where is Dad?
He wasn't on the list.
Neither was your enormous rump,
but you brought that.
Come on. Get in. Get in there.
Oh, Al. You found them. Where were they?
Down by the docks.
It was just luck.
We were all trying to sign up
for the merchant marine.
Did I miss Hondo?
Because that's the only reason I came home.
It taped! I get to watch Hondo!
What about my problem?
Your lives are meaningless compared to Hondo.
Now, I want silence.
Not a whinny, not a moo, not a peep.
It's Hondo time.
Welcome to John Wayne weekend.
We proudly present his film Hon--
I don't know about this. Al's going to be mad.
Oh, who cares about him?
This tape is for Peggy.
Besides, we'll be long gone
before he sees it.
Now, don't forget to hide that tape
so that buffoon doesn't find it.
That's insulting.What do you think I'm going to do,
just leave it in the machine?
BOTH: * You are so beautiful To me *
You didn't hide it, did you?
Oh, Al, why don't you do sweet things like that?
Okay, I'll be the one to say it. The duke is dead.
Now, let's move on to the living.
Have you girls come to your senses yet
about this marriage?
I'm devastated.
This is your fault.
You're the one
that invited her fiance to the house.
We were gonna roll him.
Look what happened.
And you never even got his wallet.
Or did you?
That's it! Sit down.
Everybody sit down, because I'm taking charge now.
Peg, kids, go upstairs,
because I'm solving everybody's problems now.
Everybody, move close together...
And say... "Swiss cheese."
Al?
Honey, you're sweating.
And you haven't answered me yet.
Is it okay if my family comes for a visit?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Well, it doesn't really matter what you say.
Besides, how bad can it be?
We're here!
[***]